Tuesday, February 22, 2011

do i make the cut?

for almost a year now ive been diagnosed with alopecia, at first it was tolerable with a huge bald spot in the back of my head. now that it has progressed badly the part down the top center of my head is over 2 inches wide and wider is some spots, i have multiple patches throughout my head.
ive kept my long hair and i vowed that this wouldnt bring me down and i wouldnt cut it. i love my long hair and it took me so long to grow it out. its about 3/4 of the way down my back and i wish it would be longer.
in reality though its making the hair loss worse i think. with the longer hair it is getting a lot harder to hide the spots and some of the old awkward re growth and its weighing down on the sensitive patches.
im at such a loss of what to do, my wig should be coming in the mail soon so at least i have that to look forward to. wearing that i might not have the urge to cry anymore when im looking at myself in the mirror.
maybe if i cut my hair i wont cry whenever i take a shower and a huge amount of hair falls out.
maybe cutting my hair wont solve anything. i just dont know.
i think trying to pretend it doesnt bother me to most people is the hardest part and only a few people know how much it kills me.

i dont really have anybody to talk about this with and can actually relate so im venting to the place where i know the least amount of people will read it and probably notice.

i havent been able to think clearly lately. ive been on edge waiting for the blood test results to be called to me to see if i have RA or lupus. ive been in so much joint pain lately i cant think straight.
i feel like people just think im a wimp or how much i complain about my pain. i should probably just stop because most people dont understand. i sat in the shower for almost an hour today once i got out of work to see if it could just make me feel good enough to go to belly dancing tonight. i should actually be leaving right now, but instead im in bed crying while writing this. i think im going to still try to go and just be late. i missed last weeks class because i was in too much pain.

what can i do to escape all this? you may think having a hobby would help, but it sucks when everything i do to try to escape my life causes me more pain and makes the problem worse.
i dont even want to think what is going to happen with myself if my test results come back for something positive even though knowing whats wrong with me will be nice. i just dont think im ready to deal with a life long problem on top of the ones i already deal with.
can i please just win the lottery so i can be living in a nice place with little piggies that will love me no matter how much of my hair falls out.


  1. you don't have to pretend certain things don't bother you and you shouldn't think people think you're a wimp. nobody would think that -- the only people who are critical like that are people who are in denial of their own pain.

    i promise you things aren't as bad as they seem -- i am working through pain myself and I am beginning to see that there is an end to it. i know it can be hard but you shouldn't be afraid to be afraid, or to worry.

    harry (h-man)

  2. oh sweetie! i think the only thing that will help you feel better is a positive attitude. hiding your feelings never works because deep down you know how you truly feel. try the wig out and see how that works...do you read this blog? http://honeybeeinthecity.blogspot.com/ she wears a wig and just did a post on a really awesome etsy shop that sells really fun wigs! i am so sorry that you are going through this and i will be here for you if you ever need to talk. i don't know what it is like to loose my hair but i am sure it is really hard to deal with. just know that if you surround yourself with people who love you for you then that is all you need!


  3. Lynn, I think writing and posting this is admirable. I hope you have at least an inkling that I would never consider you a whiny baby for losing your hair and having such intense bodily pain every day, I have a hard time imagining what it would be like and I'm sorry you're experiencing it. I know there's probably not much I can do to alleviate the frustration or the pain but I'd be happy to do what I can. I hope your wig is lovely and helps you feel more confident, and whatever your tests reveal, I hope they can at least provide a little stability in some sense. PS I'm sure you could still hand my ass to me in bowling.

  4. lynn, dont ever feel like a wimp.

    I think youll look cute with short hair. I know its different and scary to cut it, but if it helps itll be better. Even if its to your shoulders itll help.

  5. Lynn you are so strong! No one ever knows you are going through any of this. I love you and call me if you need anything!

  6. thanks for the comments everyone. it makes me overwhelmed and happy that i have people that care and want to reassure me.

  7. I'm getting tested for RA and lupus too. I know how you feel about that part. I'm afraid that'll come back postive, but yeah, it'll be nice to know what is actually wrong with me.

    I love you gurl! You're a strong woman, and I admire your strength.