do i make the cut?

for almost a year now ive been diagnosed with alopecia, at first it was tolerable with a huge bald spot in the back of my head. now that it has progressed badly the part down the top center of my head is over 2 inches wide and wider is some spots, i have multiple patches throughout my head.
ive kept my long hair and i vowed that this wouldnt bring me down and i wouldnt cut it. i love my long hair and it took me so long to grow it out. its about 3/4 of the way down my back and i wish it would be longer.
in reality though its making the hair loss worse i think. with the longer hair it is getting a lot harder to hide the spots and some of the old awkward re growth and its weighing down on the sensitive patches.
im at such a loss of what to do, my wig should be coming in the mail soon so at least i have that to look forward to. wearing that i might not have the urge to cry anymore when im looking at myself in the mirror.
maybe if i cut my hair i wont cry whenever i take a shower and a huge amount of hair falls out.
maybe cutting my hair wont solve anything. i just dont know.
i think trying to pretend it doesnt bother me to most people is the hardest part and only a few people know how much it kills me.

i dont really have anybody to talk about this with and can actually relate so im venting to the place where i know the least amount of people will read it and probably notice.


i havent been able to think clearly lately. ive been on edge waiting for the blood test results to be called to me to see if i have RA or lupus. ive been in so much joint pain lately i cant think straight.
i feel like people just think im a wimp or how much i complain about my pain. i should probably just stop because most people dont understand. i sat in the shower for almost an hour today once i got out of work to see if it could just make me feel good enough to go to belly dancing tonight. i should actually be leaving right now, but instead im in bed crying while writing this. i think im going to still try to go and just be late. i missed last weeks class because i was in too much pain.

what can i do to escape all this? you may think having a hobby would help, but it sucks when everything i do to try to escape my life causes me more pain and makes the problem worse.
i dont even want to think what is going to happen with myself if my test results come back for something positive even though knowing whats wrong with me will be nice. i just dont think im ready to deal with a life long problem on top of the ones i already deal with.
can i please just win the lottery so i can be living in a nice place with little piggies that will love me no matter how much of my hair falls out.